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What are the differences between under 40s online dating and over 40s online dating?
Unlike under 40s, the over 40s tend to be more mature emotionally and sometimes a bit more negative about dating possibilities. Many over 40s have been in committed relationships and/or married and often have children. They frequently approach dating with trepidation, often saying that they have not dated for years and are not sure how to do it successfully.
The good news is that being 40+ is actually an advantage because this group usually has a clearer sense of identity plus the ability to see what I call "flags" or negative signs in potential partners before they get deeply involved. Under 40s have a greater tendency to ignore negative flags and hope that things will get better. In fact, they more often get worse and then the relationship deteriorates.
Additional good news about being over 40 is the fact that these individuals tend to value deeper and more meaningful relationships and often decide to take more time to get to know their new partner before they become sexually intimate. They have learned that being emotionally naked first always makes being physically naked better.
How long do you think it typically takes singles over 40 to find a relationship using online dating, and why?
I honestly dont know! I would guess 3 to 6 months on the average. Dating time before marriage with couples who meet on line is about 18 months but it is not clear how long it takes individual to go online and meet someone who is a keeper.
Do you think there are different success rates for men and women over 40s when online dating? If yes, why?
Men typically find a relationship online more quickly than women. There are a number of reasons for this. One is that there are usually more women than men on each dating site. Two is that men typically decide faster, either Yes or No, about a relationship and its potential. Three (this answer comes out of my conversations with many male clients over many years) men seem to have a harder time with loneliness and living alone and therefore are less wary about deciding to move in with a new partner. Four, men are culturally allowed to be more aggressive than women, especially in the over 40 group, and thus can reach out to a desirable woman faster than the opposite sex.
What's your no.1 tip for singles over 40 starting online dating?
I have two tips.
One. Decide to become emotionally close (naked) with your partner before you get physically close (naked). If you really want to know if she or he is the right one then take the time to open your hearts to each other. You will not be sorry and when you finally make love, it will be a heck of a lot more exciting and satisfying.
Two. Pay attention. Don't allow yourself to become so desperate or needy that you ignore warning signs. If you notice something that bothers you make sure to talk with your friends or counselor about it. And listen to them!!!! They love you and want you to be happy.
OK, three tips: Don't play games. Be real and open and honest. Then if someone falls in love with you, he or she is falling in love with the person you truly are.
What is the number one mistake people over 40 make when online dating, and why?
The number one mistake people over 40 make when dating on line. Oh boy, this is a hard one! The mistake many people make is that they do online line dating the same way they buy a car. They make a list of qualities they want and go down the list as if they are looking for good brakes, color, leather seats, price, etc. looking for a wonderful partner is ultimately more a heart process than a desired item list.
Now having said all that, I actually think the number one mistake people over 40 make is not trusting that they will find the right person. Then fear rules the day and decisions become less thoughtful and healthy and people end up really unhappy.
I am deeply convinced that There is someone for everyone who wants one...if we learn to open our heart and invite love in.
What's THE best question for singles over 40 to ask someone when messaging them for the first time online?
The best first question:
What would you say is your capacity to give and receive love?
Don't expect a super answer at first because many people really have not thought that deeply about this question. But it is worth thinking about, talking about and feeling about. Explore the answer on your first date. you are over 40. Dont waste your time.
What is your most favourite over 40 online dating success story?
I had a client who was in relationship with a psychologist for three years. She came to me very unhappy and ready to leave him. She was 41 years old and afraid she would not find anyone if she become single again. We worked on this for about three months and then she left her boyfriend and began online dating for the first time ever. She told me she did not trust who she would find but she thought it was at least a try.
After about a month, she began to talk online with a guy who was in the military and was based 8000 miles away. she really liked him but was very concerned about the distance. I told her that the heart does not pay homage to distance (I am a romantic). She kept emailing and finally talked to him on the phone and after 4 months he sent her a plane ticket. she went with my blessing. After 8 more months they decided to get married. They did and now have been married for 8 years and have a lovely boy.
My truly number one favourite online dating success story is about me. I met the love of my life, my muse and the inspiration for my new book, The Resurrection of Romance online. We both worked for an internet company and I led online groups. She was the group monitor and she participated behind the scenes in each weekly meeting. I communicated with her online only for almost a year before we met and fell in love. we treated the meetings like a date and shared our hopes and dreams and likes and dislikes online for the entire year before we were ready to meet face to face.
We did not go online with the express purpose of dating but our relationship certainly developed that way. Now we are deeply in love and extremely happy together. Thanks to being online together.
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